"There are two things that are not long for this world - dogs that chase cars and pro golfers who chip for pars." - Lee Trevino

"In case you don't know very much about the game of golf, a good 1-iron shot is about as easy to come by as an understanding wife." - Dan Jenkins

"Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk" - Grantland Rice

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." - John Updike

"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf." - Robert Lynd

"If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is." - Horace G. Hutchinson

"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that." - Gardner Dickinson

"If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death." - Sam Snead

"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness." - William Wordsworth

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt" - Dean Martin

"Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one." - Author Unknown

"I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced." - Author Unknown

"My handicap? Woods and irons." - Chris Codiroli

"The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top" - Pete Dye

"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course" - Billy Graham

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling" - Mark Twain

"Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty." - Harry Vardon

"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe." - Author Unknown

"I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible." - Lee Trevino

"Golf is a game who's aim it is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." - Winston Churchill

"You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars with only two in your pocket." - Lee Trevino

"I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them." - Harry Tofcano

"Golf is a good walk spoiled." - Mark Twain

"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six and write down five." - Paul Harvey

"Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer." - Tommy Bolt

"Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears." - Bobby Jones

"I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games." - Ben Hogan

"The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing." - Dave Hill

"If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out". - Unknown

"Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip  the club don't you? - Ben Hogan

"The harder you work, the luckier you get." - Gary Player

"The only shots you can be dead sure of are those you've had already." - Byron Nelson

"The greatest liar in the world is the golfer how claims he plays the game for merely exercise." - Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret

"I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list." - Lee Trevino

"Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee, who has a deep suntan, a one iron in his bag and squinty eyes." - Dave Marr

"Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money." -  Lee Trevino

"It's the most fun I've ever had with my clothes on." - Lee  Trevino

"The players themselves can be classified into two groups- the attractions and the entry fees." - Jimmy Demaret

"Let's see, I think I right now I'm third in the money-winning and first in money-spending." - Tony Lema

"You've just got one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you've hit it." - Sam Snead

"Golf is based on honesty, where else would you admit to a seven on a par three?" - Jimmy Demaret

"The number one thing about trouble is... don't get into more." - Dave Stockton

"Mulligan: invented by a Irishman who wanted to hit one more twenty yard grounder." - Jim Bishop

"No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine." -  Lee Trevino

"Golf is an ideal diversion, but a ruinous disease." - Bertie  Charles Forbes

"Lay off for three weeks, and then quit for good." - Sam Snead

"Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at." - Dave Hill

"I've made a million, but I don't have a million" - Walt  Zambriski

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf." - Bob Hope

"If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States." - H.L. Mencken

Golf: "A game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose." - Woodrow Wilson

Golf: "A game in which a ball one and a half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter. The object is to hit the small ball but not the larger." - John Cunningham

"If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don`t waste energy going back to pick it up." - Tommy Bolt

"The hardest shot is a mashie at ninety yards from the green, where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounces back into a sandtrap, hits a stone, bounces on the green and then rolls into the cup. That shot is so difficult I have only made it once." - Zeppo Marzx

The oldest member of our golf club came into the club-house after his usual six holes and complained that he could`nt get out of the bunkers as well as he once could. His listeners suggested a number of possible remedies, but the old man shook his head. "It`s not the ball that troubles me," he explained sadly, "It`s getting myself out." - Major C. Gibson

After an abominable round of golf, a man is known to have slit his wrists with a razor blade and, having bandaged them, to have stumbled into the locker room and enquired of his partner, "What time tomorrow?" - Alistair Cooke