A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that . . .

Be Careful What You Ask For

The golfers wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed.

"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

Two men were out playing golf when, on the road along side the hole they were currently playing, a funeral procession started by. One of them encouraged everybody to show some respect, so they all took their hats off and were silent as the hearse passed. It took forever. It was one of the longest funeral processions any of them had ever seen. Finally, it ended and one man said, "Hey, that was really good of you to think of that. That was very respectful of you to think of that." The first man replied: "It was the least I could do, I was married to her for 25 years."

One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the woman tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.

They find her ball directly behind one of the greens keeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that she can't play toward the green at all.

"Darn!" the woman says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best."

But her husband, who had been looking things over, said"Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green."

The woman congratulated her husband on his cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far door frame and came whistling back, striking her husband in the temple and killing him dead on the spot.

A year or so later, the same woman was playing the same par4 and hit her tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.

As she is cursing her luck and preparing to swing, one of her playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..."

"No way," the woman says, cutting the partner off."I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six."

One female golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my husband!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,"It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,"It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says,"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,"Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, "you know... you look like my third husband." He says, Oh yeah and then asks her how many times she's been married. "Twice," she replies.

A husband and wife were sitting at the 19th hole when,suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death. She turns to her husband and asks,"Honey, if I pass away would you give your next wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring?" The husband replies "of course I would, I wouldn't want to see it go to waste."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my collection of mink coats?" The husband replies, "Of course I would, I don't want to see them turn into moth food."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my set of Callaways you bought for me last week?" "Of course not," the husband says, "she's left handed!!!"

Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what is the problem is --Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. Jack needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the passionate love he can handle." Pat nodded and left. When she got home,Jack was anxious to find out what his test results were. "Well Pat, what did Doc have to say? Pat looked him straight in the face. "Your gonna die."

A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome.

After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.

"So did I," he said "but they all wanted to go to her funeral."

Husband: "Wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."

What are you going to do?"

Husband: "Miss her like hell."

One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball.After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot.

She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "You bastard! I can't believe it! How could you do that?"

The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining"