Now finally - The Truly Useful Golf Book. It includes the following chapters:

1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
2. How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
3. How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
4. How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
5. When to Give the Ranger the Finger
6. Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
7. Crying and How to Handle it
8. Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers before 10am
9. How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
10. How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
11. Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
12. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome without getting embarrassed
13. How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
14. When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

I understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever".

Ode to a Golf Ball

In my hand I hold a little ball ... white and dimpled, rather small.

Oh, how bland it seems to appear ... this harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could never, ever, guess ... the awesome power it truly does possess.

But since I fell beneath its magic spell ... I've ventured through the gates of hell.

My life has not been quite the same ... since I chose to play this cruel game.

It rules my mind for hours on end ... a personal fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me swear and yell and cry ... hate myself and sometimes wish to die.

It promises me this thing called par ... if I can just hit it truly straight and far.

To master such a simple ball ... should not be very hard at all.

Most of my commands the ball refuses ... and does exactly what it chooses.

It hooks. slices, dribbles and dies ... even disappearing before my very eyes.

Much too often it will go on a whim ... to climb a tree or even take a swim.

With acres of grass on which to land ... instead it finds the tiny patch of sand.

Then it has me offering up my soul ... if only it would somehow find the hole.

It's made me cry like a newborn pup ... and swear that I'm definitely giving it up.

I sit a spell to ease my pain & sorrow ... but the ball knows ... I'll be back tomorrow!

- Anonymous

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

A foursome approached the 10th tee and the man with the honors was just about to tee one up when a ranger drove up and interrupted their play.   He pointed to the man who had ridden with him and was now carrying his clubs toward the green. "Could you let my friend play through?  He'll be quick, he hits it long and straight.  I'm asking for him because he's deaf and dumb.  How about letting him on through?" said the ranger. "We're not too shabby ourselves, and I'm one of the longest drivers around.  We paid our money and what's more we have carts.  He can wait his turn like we did," said the man, and he teed up his ball, set up quickly and sent one screaming down the fairway. The ranger, a bit surprised, decided to bow out.  He shrugged and walked back to his friend and explained to him in sign language that he'd have to wait, and then drove off.   The other three men teed off rather quickly too, and the carts were soon well down the runway.  When it came time for the first golfer to hit his ball (his ball had gone the farthest), he sent one up, right on the green.  He was back in his cart and was starting to brag when he was smacked on the back of his neck with a golf ball.   He whipped the cart around and looked back.  'Way back on the tee was the deaf and dumb man holding up four fingers.

One day Colin and Mark were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par 3 with a blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag. When they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the cup and other is in. As it turns out, both were playing Titleists #3s.

A heated argument ensued and they finally decided to let the club pro sort the mess out. The pro walked to the hole with them and looked at the ball on the green and then the ball in the hole.

He turned to Colin and Mark in disgust and asked, "Okay. Which of you is playing the yellow ball and which is playing the orange ball?"

Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.

So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered, "I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!"

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least once per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he new of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !!??

Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."

Jeb asked, "Where did it go?" Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10 green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.

"Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, supervised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they could`nt afford the green fees."

Jeff and Ian were out for their usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what, Ian, let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a dollar that I score lower than you do this round."

"Sounds good, Jeff."

And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives, they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Jeff could not find his golf ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for the ball!" "I'll look around from here, Jeff, but don't forget--a lost ball counts as four strokes!" Jeff looked around some more, but couldn't find the ball. Finally, out of desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it on the ground when Ian was not looking. "Ian, I've found it!" he then yelled. Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for a mere dollar!" Jeff replied, "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found that ball, I'll play it where it lies!" Ian said,

"That's not your golf ball! I've been standing on your ball for five minutes!"

Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.

Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.

Manager: Of course we would, sir.

Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.

My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls that other groups are always playing through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"

"Certainly not, dear" she replied.

"Well, neither would he."

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Colin was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!"

Colin was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Colin had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that-when would you like to play?"

"I don't care-any night next week is OK with me." replies Wonder.